It’s the words you here whispered during pregnancy. It’s the leaflets your giving and told to read while your thinking please god not me.
You think of the shame it would bring and how it would feel to be branded with the words Postnatal Depression. So you pray and you pray that your depression will stay away; But surely it will it’s the most wonderful of times?
If it happens you wounder how will it be? What will people say and how will they judge me?
While you sit pondering day in and day out trying to push it to the back of your mind. Try think happy thoughts of what’s to come but, your terrified of what’s to come.
As the days and the months pass you by in the flash of an eye, you don’t see it latching on to you and getting stronger and stronger.
There all watching you closely to make sure you don’t just slip by. So you attend all the meetings and smile and try not to cry.
Your so afraid of this coming to light that they will all think she’s not going to be alright as a mother.
But the day comes your baby is here your so filled with joy! But soon are met with more leaflets and talks from midwives.
After a few weeks at home you realise something isn’t right so at one of the baby’s checkups you ask the doctor why?
Secretly knowing what is coming, as you see I suffered for years with depression it never left me.
He said those damn words Postnatal Depression I crumbled up in side feeling numb and wondering how could I do this to my son?
As many thinks with depression you feel shame and embarrassment because that’s what Ireland has has done.
So soon came the appointments and the tablets. And Reading the forums and the horror stories.
But what was worse than the appointments or the medication or the stories?
When people asked how is your bond with your son?
Now people automatically think Postnatal Depression means theirs no bond. No theirs such a strong bond there that could never be broken. It goes much deeper than that like a wound that could never heal right.
There’s nights I lay awake wondering am I doing things right? Or I just sit and stare to make sure he’s alright. It’s not just depression but also anxiety. You see my love for him could never end as he is my whole world till the end.
But my story with depression has gone on for many of years. Even way back to school days when there was whispers in the corridors about me having it.
It’s like my shadow it never leaves me. Even though you might never see it, it’s always right behind me. It rears its ugly head and says hi it’s me. And some days I can fight back and others it just takes over me.
I’m lucky to have the support system I have as not only do they have to deal with me, they also have to deal with my shadow.
It’s six months in postpartum right now and who knows what the next six will bring.
I know I have a long road ahead. But Its starting to make sense why I was put on this path.
But don’t be afraid to ask for help, as on this journey I am learning your health is your wealth. And please don’t be like me and google all the worst horror stories.
Joanne x
Joannes Journeys 